We Didn’t Forget Him, We Just Miscounted: The Home Alone Tribute

Note:  At the suggestion of one of my awesome Twitter pals, Chris Ervin (@CErvin96), instead of sports, this post is going to be about the Christmas classic, “Home Alone.”  It was a tough weekend for Pittsburgh sports and their fans, so instead of ranting about Shawn Thornton or writing about all the things that went wrong against the Dolphins today, I’m going to write about something happy.  (My Steelers-Dolphins recap will be posted tomorrow).  Cheers!

title_home_alone_blu-ray

Why This Movie Is Awesome:

  • Where to begin?  Part of the reason why I think this movie is awesome is because I was the same age as Kevin when this movie came out.  What kid doesn’t wish they were home alone at some point?  Kevin jumping on bed
  • The soundtrack is great.  The Drifters’ version of “White Christmas,” Brenda Lee’s “Rockin Around the Christmas Tree,” and Chuck Berry’s “Run Run Rudolph” are just some of the gems heard in this movie.
  • John Candy appearance!  Enough said. john candy home alone
  • Marv and Harry are really great villains.  These two may not deserve to be tortured the way that they are, but they do seem to be bordering on sociopathy themselves.  The Wet Bandits?  Not only do you rob people of all their stuff–at Christmas time, no less–but you also flood their homes, thereby destroying everything they have left?  They aren’t just stealing stuff, they’re destroying homes and lives.  It’s messed up.marv and harry
  • The booby traps are funny.  They just are.  Looking back, it seems like Kevin is on a path to becoming a straight-up sociopath (as deftly pointed out in the Honest Trailer below.)

Why Kevin’s Family Is the Worst:

  • One of Kevin’s awful sisters says, “Kevin, you’re so completely helpless.”  I’m sorry, he’s 8-years-old, is he supposed to be an independent person at this age?  Did the other McAllister children have jobs and checking accounts at that age?  Considering they’re all such spoiled, awful brats, I highly doubt it.congrats you're an idiot
  • Another sister, the dreaded Linny, says, “You’re what the French call “les incompétents.”  This has bothered me for a long time.  Is she mocking not only Kevin, but also the way Americans try to speak French?  Because if she’s trying to say Kevin is incompetent, SHE’S the incompetent one.  “Les incompetents” means “the incompetents” or “the incompetent ones” in French.  Kevin is a singular person.  If she wants to say he’s “the incompetent” (which is still stupid), it would be “l’ incompetent.”  Take that, Linny!  (Finally, eight years of French pays off!  In a blog post about “Home Alone”!)home alone les.jg
  • Buzz is the WORST.  “Is it true French girls don’t shave their pits?”  Why are you worried about it, Buzz?  Like any French girl would even be into you.  And he’s not even concerned that his 8-year-old brother is home alone in Chicago while the rest of the family is in France.  AND he tells the story about the old man next door neighbor being a shovel killer! Buzz is just a horrible person.  buzz phelgm
  • Big Pete from “Pete & Pete” also plays one of Kevin’s brothers.  “Kevin, you’re such a disease.”  What a jerk.home alone disease
  • Uncle Frank calls Kevin “a little jerk;” doesn’t chip in for the pizza; forces Aunt Leslie to steal stuff on the plane; and makes sure the champagne is free in First Class before he orders a glass.  What a horrible, cheap, little man.uncle frank

Top 5 Quotes:

#5
fuller pepsi

#4This is my house

#3

“He sounds like a snake.”

#2

keep the change

#1
 

Quick recap of the movie:

The horrible McAllister family is going to Paris to visit other family members, who are probably also horrible people.  They basically hate their son, Kevin (the only cute kid) and after an incident involving pizza and spilled milk, they accidentally leave him at home in Chicago.  He’s pretty stoked. He eats ice cream, watches a gangster movie, steals a toothbrush, shops, and goes sledding down the staircase.  Then Kevin finds out there are some mean robbers, the “Wet Bandits,” trying to rob his house.  He gets scared and sad and wishes his family was home.  Kevin utilizes a model train set, a life-size Michael Jordan cut-out, and several random mannequins that are in the McAllister home (why would they have mannequins lying around the house?  Seems creepy). to make it seem like there’s a party going on. The robbers are fooled.  Kevin visits Santa, who gives him a Tic Tac.  Then he goes to church, where he has a heartfelt talk with the gentle next door neighbor, who is NOT a shovel killer, contrary to the rumors Awful Brother Buzz is spreading.  Then Kevin makes some mac ‘n cheese.  He decorates a little tree he cuts down from the yard.  He then sets up a series of elaborate booby traps to ensnare the robbers.  He winds up injuring them pretty badly, with the help of nails, tar, a blowtorch, Micro Machines, paint cans, and Buzz’s pet tarantula.  Kevin has also somehow set up a zip line from his house to his treehouse, which is how he escapes the robbers.  He goes next door and the robbers find him.  The non-shovel killer neighbor saves him.  The Wet Bandits are arrested.  The Polka King John Candy brings Kevin’s mom back to Chicago.  The rest of the horrible McAllister clan also arrive on Christmas morning.  Buzz continues to be insufferable.  And they all live happily ever after…or until Kevin gets lost in New York City a year later. (Seriously, why isn’t someone calling CYS on these people?)

THE END.

What a great movie!  A true Christmas classic!

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